Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
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Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
The French word for sex is croissant.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.