Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
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[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Trumpy Cat
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment