Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
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You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
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Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas