My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
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me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
This makes total sense…
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.