Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
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Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?