What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
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When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
three things we don’t talk about
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies