Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
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OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions