Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
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6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Genius idea!!
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]