@druuuck

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

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@yogaknifefight

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

@sarcasticmommy4

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

@Reverend_Scott

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

@cupcakelynda

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

@HallpassCanada

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

@mattZillaaaa

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

@KeetPotato

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]