@yogaknifefight Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
@druuuck Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
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@yogaknifefight 
@sarcasticmommy4 For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
@Reverend_Scott Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
@birbigs Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
@cupcakelynda My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
@HallpassCanada Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
@Andee_Stewart *popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
@better_off_dad2 Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
@mattZillaaaa Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
@KeetPotato [reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]