When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
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Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
How about daylight saves us for once
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*