HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
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{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Me, in DM rooms…