Me, in DM rooms…
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Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Merry Christmas
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild