I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
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[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Me too door. Me too.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Worst bar ever.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
#TopTip
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure