Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
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Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard