And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
You Might Also Like
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Usage Guidelines
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.