I can’t stop watching this.
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If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.