Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
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Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.