Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
You Might Also Like
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.