It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
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my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist