Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
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THE AUDACITY. 😤
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
The Joker was right
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight