It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
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How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late