if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
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So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”