Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
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If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education