mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
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what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
The best shot in the history of golf
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.