There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
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Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.