6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
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ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy