If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
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If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.