Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.