Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
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Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle