i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
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My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
The cashier just checked me out.