how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
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I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?