There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
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No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*