[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
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HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
seems like a niche market
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Nice try, NASA
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.