Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
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WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
The A string on my guit_r is flat