I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
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Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
only 11 steps left
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.