I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
![]()
You Might Also Like
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
![]()
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
![]()
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
OH. COME. ON.
![]()
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts