Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
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A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.