karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
You Might Also Like
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin