Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
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i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.