Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
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“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
How it started: How it’s going:
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”