Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells

According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.