Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
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me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.