And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
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I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Peace was never an option
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.