I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
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Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
He-man has a Masters degree
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe