Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
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Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Passed by a old school Math example today.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
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