In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
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“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Me, reading some of your tweets
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Growing out my freckles.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.