The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
You Might Also Like
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.