me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
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but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.