Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
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He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
23. the denim jacket
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Thank you.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.