This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
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scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train