[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
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Finally, a door that understands me
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.