My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
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911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.