My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
You Might Also Like
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
scares
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
He’s dead
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.