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@InternetHippo

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

@SJKSalisbury

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

@averageIyjoe

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

@Jez1

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot

@sofarrsogud

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

@Its_Miss_Riss

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

@whatmaddness

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

@SCbchbum

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

@TuffyNyC

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.